Being a night-person sucks.

Haha, third time posting today/tonight...

I was about to go to sleep, when i realised what a night-person i am. It was at 3am when i finally started to pick up speed for my studying (my whole day was rather unproductive before this). At 5am, i stopped to blog about stuff that i wanted to type down before i forgot. At 6am, i stopped blogging and went off to brush my teeth. While brushing my teeth, i realised that i was still in the mood for studying.

Late nights somehow just suit me better when it comes to studying. Sigh. Maybe it is because of my introverted nature, which makes me more comfortable at night when no one's awake. Maybe night gives rise to a sense of urgency that morning can never provide.

This sucks. I got the same amount of studying done from 3am to 4am that i did for the whole of last afternoon. I'm the least productive in the mornings, or in the first few hours after i wake up. But because most people are morning people (and because the contract test will be in the morning), i will have to adapt myself to that time.

What a pity...i spend the whole morning and afternoon feeling stoned, and then night falls, and i start picking up speed. But before i can get anything done, i have to go to sleep to fix my body clock.

And then morning comes around again...

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Time to end the posts.

Haiz, second post of the day/night.

I had thought that, because i had already talked about my problems a little and had voiced my selfish concerns directly to the relevant parties the other day, these issues of mine would disappear. But apparently, they have not. Apparently, i cannot escape the shadow of perfectionism and the shadow of the one who had gone ahead of me. Not yet. It would take time. It might never get better. Things might change if the situation changes. Things WOULD change if I changed.

Still, i've realised that this blog has not really been the right vehicle for me to voice my thoughts and concerns; it is read by a lot of people - people whom i do not wish to share any details with, for a multitude of perfectly justifiable reasons - and as a result, i have to force myself to be a cryptic, to write in codes and puzzles. Which makes things even worse, because people would then be induced into wanting to figure out the codes and solve the puzzles.

I've realised that my purpose in blogging about my concerns was simply to cry out for help, and when the only person from whom i had wanted help asked me about it, i just could not say anything. I was afraid of appearing selfish, and afraid of hurting people more than i should. I WAS being selfish, and i WAS hurting people more than i should. This was self-centred-ness at its worst.

In any case, now that i've already voiced my concerns to the relevant parties, this blog has ceased to be of further use regarding this matter. Accordingly (holy shit i've been reading too many court judgements), i decided to type out my concerns in full, but i will not load the words onto this blog; instead i will keep it hidden, in my computer and in my heart.

It has been surprisingly therapeutic, because i've been able to be far more honest and detailed in voicing my concerns than i ever have been, either with the relevant parties or on this blog. In time, i hope that doing so would help clear the matter up...for it is not the circumstances that must change; there is nothing much that can be done about that. It is i that must change.

Anyway, in short, i will leave out such posts from my blog from now onwards. It's nearly 6am in the morning now...i'd better go to sleep...

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A new worry.

Yesterday, i noticed that i had a rather small but really hard bump protruding from the top of my left foot. My bunion toe and ankle sprain, by the way, occurred on my RIGHT side. So it's probably not related to either of those.

It doesn't hurt at all (which is probably why i only noticed it yesterday), although it sorta plays on the mind, to the extent that i think it's aching when, on closer inspection, it actually isn't.

I hope that it's just an unnatural bone growth or something. Not...erm...anything cancerous... :|

I shall see a doctor regarding this after my contract test. But if there is to be any operation, i'd rather wait till after my IPPT on the 17th of december...unless it really is cancerous!!!

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Sick and tired.

(post deleted)

...censorship is powerful.

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It's coming out...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!

...phew. That feels better. I think something has gotten into me recently. It kinda shows in the depressing state of my blog. Could be the stress. And paranoia. Or it could be that my incorrigible lack of organisation has led to aimless studying, which has led to me not fully understanding the material and doubting my own intellect. If that's not bad enough, i just spent the past few hours snooping around online. Dumb.

Self-esteem and confidence levels have been low. Motivation is practically non-existent. I've been feeling horrible and acting horribly. Well, that's according to my lofty unrealistic perfectionist standards which i can never meet anyway. But still, i can clearly see room for improvement. I haven't been thinking of others enough. Maybe it's my self-preservation mode being activated. Maybe it's time to get back to basics.

Argh in any case, i'm so going to spend the holidays reading up on Criminal Law, so that i'll own everyone when Semester 2 starts and feel all confident and arrogant. Mwahahahaha!!! >:D

Okay, that was just plain evil. See, room for improvement.

Not to mention that i won't even get to own anyone anyway, because so many people WILL be reading up on Criminal Law during the holidays...bloody hell. -.-

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@#%$!!!

ARGH. GODDAMMIT. I just can't escape his shadow.

I'm being stupid. Exam pressures have denied me the distractions i needed to not think about it. I just caught myself snooping around online. I believe this is called self-destruction. Suicide.

The grenade is on the floor, at my feet. Pin released, ready to kill. I need a helmet, to cover the grenade before it explodes. So that the shock and pain can reverberate in my heart and harm no one else.

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Retire?

I was thinking. When i talk to my friends about future plans, i normally tell them that i want to make enough money and retire early, if possible. Maybe at an age of about 55 or so, maybe earlier. Or perhaps i'll quit being a lawyer or whatnot at the age of 45 and proceed to be a primary school math teacher or something like that until the age of 65.

But now, i'm wondering...why do i even think about retiring early? Is it because i have a preconception that work is shit and that lawyer work is going to be shit? Is this preconception (that work is shit) because my dad keeps talking about early retirement? Or is it because i have gone through over a decade of schoolwork and have hated nearly every bit of it?

I've already thrown myself into law school, and the living environment that i'm in dictates that anything other than the fastest track is pure failure. Which means, essentially, that as far as possible, i don't want to back out of the challenge. In any case, there isn't any work i can think of that i'd actually love enough that i'd rather not retire.

So, is it still possible that, within the law profession, there's actually a job that i might actually like sufficiently enough that i can stick with it without any problems until i'm over 60? People would say that such a thing is not likely, given how boring and tedious work can get in law firms. But well, i'm hoping that the next 3 years in law school will give me some kind of hint. I'm still interested in copyright laws, at least, and i still like the idea of being a hero to the legally marginalised, so hopefully i would also like the tedious work that goes along with either of that.

We'll see how it goes.

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Floating Thoughts

...Oh my goodness, it's so goddamn difficult to find candles AND candle-holders in Parkway Parade. Oh wait, no, it's nigh IMPOSSIBLE. I found them in the end in NTUC, which is in Marine Parade. Giant, Cold Storage AND Bengawan Solo have got their asses handed to them this time, i must say.

...I think i need to change my slippers. The blue beach ones that i've been wearing for nearly two years now, that is. The friction on those slippers have worn out almost completely; it was drizzling in Marine Parade, and i nearly died three times over because the floor was so wet and slippery. The three incidents, of course, involve incidents of me nearly cracking my skull on the pavement and busting my brains, and does not include the most dangerous Death from Embarrassment. Well, it's time to put on the scandalous beach slippers from my room...

...Little kids can be so cute...and we really have to blame Michael Jackson for giving statements like this such a bad connotation that no one can say them nowadays without having to explain that they're not paedophiles. Anyway there was this brunette angmoh girl of about 4 or 5 years of age that i encountered at Parkway Parade. She was trotting ahead of her parents, and when i walked past her, she started running to try to keep up with me! Haha! And she was still grinning at me when her parents managed to call her back, like she was thinking "Ah hah! I managed to run as fast as you, Big Guy!" XD

...I lied when i said that it never affected me. Because it did, and still does. But it's not not your fault, and nothing can be done about it. It'll be tough being jealous of the same person for the rest of my life, but i will be strong, because i'm stubborn as hell, and because i don't have any other choice.

Okay, enough randomness for now. Time to get back to studying. Urgh. Tomorrow's going to be quite a busy day.

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Procrastination can be a powerful thing.

Well, don't worry, readers, for i'm still alive and kicking. It's not as if i'm overloaded with work either; it's just that, i'm overloaded with OPTIONAL work right now. And there's lots of studying to do. Which is essentially optional.

So it's not as if i've been working 24/7 and hence do not have the time to blog. Rather, i've been spending time procrastinating and fooling around before deadlines force me to get into action.

Procrastination can be a powerful thing. Take my primary school contact list, for example. I had promised to collate and send everyone a contact list, which i could have easily done in half an hour. That was in early August. Halfway through collating, i got stumped at piece of bad handwriting by one of my former classmates, and couldn't interpret a detail that he gave. I didn't want to proceed until i had gotten it all sorted out, but i detested having to call him up to ask him about what he had written.

Problems with my introverted-ness i suppose. Then, i was also still considering whether to make the contact list complete by finding out the details of those who hadn't gone to my place and filled in the handwritten contact list.

So well, in the end, i managed to get the whole task sorted out, and i sent out the email. TODAY. 3 months later.

Woots. Well, i discovered awhile ago that this bad habit is probably due my perfectionism. I want everything that i do to be perfect. I want to do the perfect assignment, the perfect contact list. I want to multi-task and spend my time perfectly. I want to sleep enough before my tests, so that i can have the perfect preparation. I want the perfect relationship. I want to buy the perfect gift on birthdays. I want to absorb all the details in any show that i watch or any books that i read to perfection.

Which all goes against me, because i end up putting extreme amounts of pressure on myself as a result. And i can't handle the pressure. I end up putting tasks off and procrastinating until time becomes my greatest obstacle to getting ANYTHING done at all.

I end up reading up so much for assignments that i don't even get the assignment done early, and go to school with an incomplete assignment and not much sleep at all. I multi-task so much that i end up wasting time instead of saving it. I end up putting so much pressure on myself to sleep early that i end up suffering from insomnia. I get depressed over itty bitty imperfections. I take far too long to decide on birthday gifts and to buy them. I end up taking forever to read novels because i read every word out loud, and i rewind while watching videos just so i can get a "full experience".

Well, i'm not sure if it's because of my upbringing or whatever, but this has got to stop, and change has got to start with me. I'll be trying my best to make getting things done on time a priority over perfection. Starting today. With that long overdue contact list.

And with this long overdue blog entry too.

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