What a day of hard work

Phew! I'm exhausted!

...Okay, time to start on my school work! :|

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A Pile of Worries

Well, i read it again today. It never fails to put me in a sad mood. I'm not dissatisfied with how things are going - they really can't get any better, and she really can't do any better - but on days like these, i'd start comparing myself again, and somehow, i always seem to lose.

Sigh. I wish we had more common interests. I wish she'd share more of her pain with me, instead of keeping it in a box and hiding it in some dark corner. I wish i had gotten to know her earlier. I wish i had been the first one. I wish we had experienced that "spark of electricity". I wish we shared something that was as special. That was more special.

I wish i was more special. I wish i were as cool. I wish i were as street-smart. I wish i were as exciting. I wish i had a better body. I wish i was fairer-skinned. I wish i was less goofy. And less klutzy. I wish i was a dancer. Or a swimmer. I wish i was more dependable. I wish i was more talented. I wish i did better at my studies.

I'm wishing for a lot of things. Some of which can never happen and will never happen, because i've already missed the train. And yet the other things can be accomplished, but i can never seem to get off my ass to fight and get it done. I don't think i'm in the mood to put in the effort.

I know, it's like i'm in the centre of my own universe. I'm already a very fortunate man. I like to say that she has arse-luck, but the truth is that i'm the one who is lucky. But i'm still so insecure, and the cure for that is to HOPE to be the best possible. My ambitions know no bounds. But my efforts do. Is it so wrong to be so selfish?

Gosh. I feel crappy right now. Life sucks to a pretty large extent at the moment, in any case. I'm under quite a lot of pressure for my studies, but rather than stubbornly fighting back, it seems like i'm crumbling instead. Attending lectures but not really absorbing much. Making notes that are disorganised and not worth reading. Barely being able to complete the barest minimum of readings on-time.

It's not really falling behind that hurts; i think it's seeing people - who used to know nothing about the law compared to me - overtaking me and leaving me behind, kneeling in their dusty tracks. Half my hopes have been wiped out over the past few months; it just seems like i'm going about this the wrong way.

And it's not as if i'm playing a lot to make up for it...i just take too long to get things done. I work too slowly, i get distracted too easily, and i zone-out in the middle of lectures, in the middle of doing homework, and in the middle of reading notes. But i suppose that that kinda describes the kind of guy that i've always been when it comes to schoolwork.

Aside from study woes, i'm also getting shopping woes. Don't ask...let's just say that i'll start to fear the festive season as it draws closer. Making lists don't seem to help. Not when all of the entries possess no form of merit whatsoever.

Well, anyway, i'm starting to feel a little better now. A weight off my shoulders, i suppose. It's time to get to work on my torts tutorial. I had wanted to spend the weekend on contract, but with the SLS assignment/test on sunday and a LAWR presentation on monday, it really seems like i can't do much. So much for even a bit of play.

Crap, i'm starting to complain again, when i had just said that i was going to do torts. Ohwell. Time to get started on it.

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OMFG so pissed off!!!

ARGH!!! I HATE HER!!! I DETEST THAT FILTHY OLD WOMAN!!! DIE, YOU INCONSIDERATE LITTLE SNOB!!! DIE!!! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!!!

...phew.

Okay, i didn't really mean all of that. Just a large part of it.

Lol but i was EXTREMELY pissed off. Still damn pissed off actually. Gosh.

What happened was that i was in the school campus, looking for parking lots, when i saw this old woman, looking pretty wealthy with lots of makeup, walking to her car. I stopped my car immediately, and the old woman had a good glance at me through the car window. I had overshot the lot that she was at, but, seeing no other cars in sight, i turned on my hazard lights and reversed my car to a distance behind hers, and waited. Note that this was a lot that was a distance from the school building - not one of the summit lots - but it was still an UPHILL LOT, nevertheless.

Anyway, i waited. AND waited. For a few minutes. Maybe more. I drove my car forward a little bit and checked. AND THE FREAKIN OLD WOMAN WAS READING A BOOK THAT WAS NOT AT ALL LIKE A STREET DIRECTORY AND DIRECTING FURTIVE GLANCES AT ME. SHE WAS VERY OBVIOUSLY TAKING HER TIME.

After a while, i gave up. I drove all the way down the hill and parked at one of the lots near the gate. And, just when i had finished parking my car, that old woman, in HER car, zoomed right pass me.

OMFG DID SHE WANT ME TO WALK OVER TO HER AND HIT ON HER OR SOMETHING???

What the hell. If it were me, with someone waiting for my lot like that, i'd freakin either make it fast, or i'd drive out of my lot and stop my car somewhere else while i read my street directory (which is the only thing i could be reading if i was not moving off for some reason), so that the poor soul can park his car in my lot, which i didn't really need anymore in any case.

Heck, this isn't even some shopping centre parking lot we're talking about. I was desperately looking for a lot and i was freakin late for classes. And do i have to mention that i'm still recovering from my ankle sprain and would rather NOT stress my ankle too much while walking up the hill??? >.< SUCH an inconsiderate old snob.

The worst thing was, while i was telling some of my friends about it, one of them, a fellow female freshman who's two years younger (than me, lol, not the old woman), exclaimed "Oh, that's what i do also what! Hahaha i would purposely check my window, ah, pretend to read my street directory..."

Me: "WTF???"

Female freshman: "Hahaha yah lor! I'll see the person's face; whether his face pisses me off or not, and if i don't like him i'll purposely take my time and don't give the lot to him lor."

WTF OMFG HOW CAN PEOPLE LIVE LIKE THIS. I AM STARTING TO LOSE FAITH IN HUMANKIND.

...time to disappear to outer space or somewhere out there, where everyone is considerate and courteous. Failing that, i suppose i only have my imagination and my fantasies to rely on.

Lol okay that last part was rather nonsensical. Back to lecture. Coco didn't come to lecture though. Sigh. Although Margaret Fordham can be really funny at times. Gosh, i really love British humour and wit. Lol. Oh well.

But goddammit, i'm still so damn pissed!!! >.<

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Hmm.

Hmm, well, yesterday, i ate with her family.

Hmm.

It went rather well...i think. For which i am glad.

Hmm.

Well...i don't know. It's all my fault. I don't really want this to go spiraling down the traditional, unimaginative way. To begin with, i'm quite an unimaginative guy already, which kinda sucks. Am i being too particular? Too much of a perfectionist? I mean, i don't see anyone else worrying about things like this. Maybe i need to go sit in one corner and hammer things out with myself.

Okay, i'm not making much sense. Back to work.

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