About My Religious Views.

Amazing...i had actually begun to believe in agnosticism before i had even heard of the term "agnosticism".

Read it up on wikipedia (if you don't know what agnosticism is you better read it up as well! >.<) by accident yesterday, and i realised that there are different types of agnosticism that, in a way, matches what i believe about the spiritual world and life after death in general: that of course we don't know anything and can't possibly prove anything either.

Initially, i had misconstrued the meaning of agnosticism back when i had heard of it in secondary school, believing it to be somewhat close to atheism, but actually, agnosticism disagrees with atheism, because no one can prove that there IS no God as well.

But even then, if someone were to ask me what my religion was, i'd hesitate to say aloud that i was agnostic or anything like that. Because i don't believe in organised religion or religious classifications in the first place.

To me, religious classifications restrict your mind and hinders spiritual discussion and contemplation, something like picking a football team to support and sticking by it through thick and thin. The players may change a little over time, maybe the tactics and the manager too...but boy, it's still the same team, deep down.

It makes people think of religion, or more specifically, "what-you-believe-in", as some kind of identity or group that they belong to, which's exactly what's happening in the world today. The conflicts between different religions are a direct result of all these classifications. These days, if i say that i have no religion, people won't assume that i don't give a damn...they'd just assume that i'm atheist.

So in any case, why should you have to have a name attached to what you believe in? Because that's what people have been doing, not just for religions but for everything in general?

I get the feeling that it makes things easier for those who don't have the time to think about religion; that you can put whatever you believe in into the hands of your priests or whoever to do what they want with it. That your "teachers" can do all the thinking for you and you'd just have to listen. (And, in a way, i really wonder how much these followers truly value their own personal beliefs, experiences and thoughts)

And when people ask you for your religion, your spiritual BELIEFS, you won't really have to think about it. You'll just reply with one short statement. "I'm Christian" or "Oh, i'm Muslim".

Well, maybe religious classifications aren't so bad...you can always swap religions, like swapping to a better football team, if your beliefs change or are found to lean more to one side then another.

Then, if so, why can't i create an All-Star team out of all the football teams in the league?

In a way, the different classifications of agnosticism have provided me with that avenue (just as different classifications of Christianity and other religions provide an avenue for the confused believers). For now, i can say that i'm an agnostic theist.

Which means that i do believe in spirits and ghosts, in life after death. And i believe - and HOPE, with all my heart - that my consciousness, at least, remains intact even as my body turns to dust.

I believe that there are "Gods", that there are omnipotent beings at the centre of Creation...of all that is unknown in this universe. Something to start the Big Bang going, even though it's probably unlike anything any of the religions claim...maybe we're nothing but an experiment to something like a Creator who doesn't exactly give a damn about Earth.

Of course, there is the added tag of agnosticism; what i believe is separate from the truth. I do not claim that what i believe in is the truth. In fact, i claim that what i believe in is unprovable, although i'm rather hoping otherwise. Atheists might ask me how that Creator i mentioned earlier might have come about...from another Creator perhaps? 0_o But then i'd reply that i didn't have proof, couldn't have proof, and i don't think i'd ever have proof.

But even as i change the "Religious Views" description on my facebook account, i hesitate. Not only because, as i said earlier, i don't believe in religious classifications, but also because people will tend to treat agnosticism as my identity, as my "religion".

To me, agnosticism is just a "religious view". In essence, it's just a nice way to put "scepticism"...so why the hell should i put it in the same category as Christianity and Buddhism, to have it interpreted the same way as those religions?

Furthermore, i know that my religious views may change in the future. In fact, i hope they do, and i WANT to make my "religion" flexible to account for that. I hope that, one day, i may have an out-of-this-world experience that may change my beliefs into something more definite. (Does that make me a "free-thinker" then? Or perhaps a "positive-agnostic-theist"? Maybe if people ask me for my religion, i'd just say that i'm a Flexible Believer. Then how the hell would that be able to describe "what i believe in" to them??)

As Bertrand Russell said in his 1953 essay, What Is An Agnostic,

"I think that if I heard a voice from the sky predicting all that was going to happen to me during the next twenty-four hours, including events that would have seemed highly improbable, and if all these events then produced to happen, I might perhaps be convinced at least of the existence of some superhuman intelligence."

And who knows? That day may come tomorrow. But until then, i believe that nothing about religion should ever be definite. Not even if your parents say so.

0 comments

Rediscovering my reading prowess.

I was taking my second or third break after thirty or so minutes of reading One L when i realised that i was really in need of more reading practice.

It's been, what, two years since i did any serious studying? And after such a long layoff because of national service, i think my mind has dulled and my concentration span has been snapped short.

When i was in secondary school, i was a crazy reader. I was capable of reading novels from 8pm to 7 in the morning, going to sleep when the sun was already rising in the sky. I'd borrow heaps of books from the library in RI and read them at home, in the toilet, during recess and even in class itself (not a good habit at all, i must say).

When i was dead bored, i'd pick up a novel that i had read before, and i'd read the whole thing again in one shot, without taking any breaks even though the story was already familiar to me.

In JC, i was still buzzing over Wheel of Time novels for hours at a time, but now, somehow, that love and interest for books has left me. Gone are the times when i'd get so engrossed in a book that i'd forget what time it is.

Take my current read, for example. One L by Scott Turow is essentially a journal of the author's life during his first year at Harvard Law School, and it has been an entertaining and enlightening read, so far. But, somehow, i still lose interest in it every now and then. I'd go online after a few minutes, and basically take break after break until i end up only reading a few pages each day.

My previous book was a novel by Neil Gaiman - Neverwhere. It's a fantastic book; there are so many witty lines and every sentence is beautifully constructed. However, i was only able to read that book in drips and drabs. I've yet to even finish it.

When i think about it, it's not even just books. I'm no longer able to watch more than two episodes of anime in a row now. It's been like this for at least two months. No matter how good a show is, i just seem to take my time watching it, which makes it all the more difficult to get into the mood.

In essence, i've lost the ability to get engrossed in anything. It's been a VERY long time since i was able to eat a quick dinner, looking forward to a fun night afterwards playing a particular game, watching a particular show, or reading a particular book. I haven't been able to concentrate on any one thing for more than half an hour at a time. It's a worrying situation, because i can't even keep my focus well, and this is FUN stuff we're talking about.

Law school starts next year. I wonder how i'm going to focus on my professors' words during lessons. Or how i'd be able to read through long cases while doing assignments. I've tried studying a bit before law school starts, reading a few cases and briefs here and there, but like my novels, i've been going very slowly, at most just reading a couple of pages at a time.

Maybe it's because i'm watching the clock too much these days, after developing habits to "save precious book-out time" in the army. Maybe i'm just too conscious of time now to get engrossed in any activity.

But whatever it is, i think it's high time that i regained my love for reading. I'm not too sure how i'd go about it for now, though, besides more "reading practice"; more exposure to books in the hopes that i'd get used to reading again and get my focus back.

There was a time when i was young; when i loved to read, and nothing could ever distract me when i was doing the things i loved. I'd like to recapture the good parts of it that i've lost. And it doesn't matter what i'm reading, as long as it's words written on paper.

0 comments

In Retrospect.

Facebook is supposed to help people socialise.
But in retrospect, it just keeps us at home, glued to our computer screens.

Leaving the army was supposed to grant us freedom.
But in retrospect, it's only placed more responsibilities on our shoulders.

A new home environment was supposed to be a new experience.
But in retrospect, it still feels the same as it used to.

This holiday was supposed to feel out-of-this-world-super.
But in retrospect, humans can adapt to all sorts of things - both hardships as well as good tidings.

Getting a camera phone was supposed to aid in developing in myself a habit of taking more photographs.
But in retrospect, i haven't really pressed the shutter-button all that often since...

I feared that my dreams of army would go on for some time.
But in retrospect, time heals everything faster than we expect. Well, almost.

This post was supposed to be more fluid and poetic.
But in restrospect, i didn't have the enthusiasm to match my ambitions... -.-


Well, anyway, with regards to the second last stanza, i've indeed stopped dreaming of army. Took more than a week, but it was still faster than i expected. I didn't dream of anything two nights ago, and last night i dreamt of...well...something i can't really talk about. Legally perverted's all i can say. =|

My eyes're getting tired for some reason, so i'm calling it a day rather early. (Yup, projected sleep time of 2.30am is "rather early"...) So goodnight to all! Got manga-drawing class tomorrow afternoon...somehow i miss drawing classes quite a bit hahaha...

0 comments

Goddamned dreams.

Okay, so my predictions have proven to be correct. I've been dreaming EVERY NIGHT WITHOUT FAIL that i'm back in army and back in camp.

Well, to be more precise, i've been dreaming that i'm back in camp and nearing my ORD date. Meaning i'm not at the beginning (or middle) of my army life but at the end. Figures too, since A levels are at the END of JC life anyway and my dreams that i was still in JC always depicted life just before i sat for an exam. Sometimes i'd dream that i was retaking my A levels AFTER my National Service was already over too.

Anyway, it's been totally weird, and i wake up each morning feeling as if army isn't over, and that what i'm experiencing is just another long weekend where i'll have to book in soon.

It's as if the story isn't over yet for me.

Two nights ago, i dreamt that i was at the second last day before i ORDed, and i had gotten "2 demerit points" for life for not reporting to authorities when i clearly knew my camp friends were plotting a murder. 0_o It doesn't make sense, i know. Lol. I mean...demerit points when you commit a crime? And it's for life too? It's like a criminal record based on demerit points...Weird.

And last night, i dreamt that, to my utmost horror, i had already ORDed on a monday, but because of a reason that i still do not know (an exercise, perhaps?) it was already a thursday and i still hadn't gone home and i had been sleeping on a bed without bedsheets for a few days ('cos i returned them already).

Like what the hell? Maybe i stayed back..for fun? I really get the feeling that that was the case. Then, after that, against my will (i couldn't control my own mouth), i invited a few friends over to my place for some paintball/laser quest fun (by the way, i DON'T have these sort of facilities at home >.<) It was all really random after that. Let's just put it that i didn't have fun at all.

My dreams tend to be like that. Incidents of seemingly real life which promise much in the way of fun, glory and pleasure but which always fail to deliver. Or semi-nightmares of me getting spotted doing something embarrassing where i only realise that everything's a dream when i wake up.

In any case, i believe that all this means that my army life needs closure. And not just some lame-ass party or outing...i might need something more...dramatic, or simply more grand.

Sigh, but i'm really just too lazy to organise one...especially on my own.

0 comments

No different from when A levels were over.

The feeling hasn't been any different from when i finished JC and my A levels were over. I often wondered how i'd feel when ORD arrived, but the answer was standing right in front of me the whole time.

The main similarity is with how the whole thing ended. My A levels ended with an important paper (can't remember which one) on a friday, followed by a Biology Paper 3 on a monday and a Biology MCQ paper towards the end of the week.

My National Service ended with a host of two day work-weeks. In both cases, the transition (from major exams to holidays and from NS to civilian life) was gradual and did not end with a blast or with any serious partying after that. There weren't any ceremonies or debriefs in both cases either.

So, in a way, i don't feel as if my NS life is really over, somehow. Today, i went back home after dinner outside with my family, still with this mindset that it's just going to be another weekend where i'll be heading back to camp at the end of it. I'm still doing the same activities that i've been doing on weekends these past 2 years, and somehow, i just don't have this "free" feeling that i had when i completed primary and secondary school.

With my past experiences of post-A levels phenomena (lacking any other appropriate term), i expect that i'll be having dreams that i'm back in the army again and back with my brigade. And i would experience the dream without thinking that anything is wrong in any way. (I just don't have the ability to lucid dream, no matter how hard i try)

Ohwell. Anyway, i shall be taking a break till the end of the year, perhaps. Reading up on Law, clearing anime, drawing manga, finding jobs and law-firm attachments and the like. Then it'll be time to take up a new job while i wait for university to start in August.

Not much of a plan, huh. But it's not as if there's much more for me to do anyway.

0 comments

ORD

I'm going to ORD really soon. Like tomorrow's my last day. Pretty amazing. I started this blog a bit more than a month before i enlisted into the army and now i'm almost out...it's as if the long and tiresome first chapter of my blog is finally over.

I really don't know what else to say. I guess...i guess this really is the end. Thank goodness.

0 comments