...And i failed.

Sigh. Yep, i failed...again.

This time i struck a kerb while i was exiting the parking lot for direction-change parking, and then i knocked a pole down while i was getting out of the parallel parking lot. Both incidents gave me 14 points EACH, 10 points for the incident itself, and 4 points for failing to stop and reverse before trying again (a.k.a. failure to confirm safety)...which is quite perturbing actually. How, then, would you be able to strike a kerb if you had anticipated and stopped beforehand? Perhaps they should just say that striking a kerb is already 14 points and leave it at that?

In any case, 28 points is, of course, a failure. Which meant that i failed 5 minutes into my test. A real waste, considering that i almost never struck a kerb or pole during practice...i certainly didn't during my first test. It's an even bigger waste, if you consider that i didn't get any points at all while i was outside the circuit; my tester said that my judgement, speed and safety while on the straight road and at traffic junctions were very good.

Anyway, i was extremely nervous during the test, even more so than during the first one, surprisingly. I think it's because the first test doesn't have much pressure; if you fail the first time, just try again. But on the second test, if you fail, it is SUPER MALU (translation: embarrassing). So in the end, the pressure i put on myself became too much for me to take and my driving skills took a huge dive.

Take my mum for example. She failed, like two of three times before she passed, and even now, she's like the laughing stock of the family (the Low family...meaning my extended family) at times for failing "a lot". I regard her as one of the better - if not the best - drivers in the family, but she'd always have this black mark on her because everyone else passed on the first or second try.

All of my friends who've passed have done it on the first or second try, so my second failure means that i'd never be regarded as a good driver, or rather a BETTER driver, by those people...or at least i'd never be regarded as a natural driver. And do i care about what other people think? Of course i do. Lol.

So anyway, i actually felt much better when the test was over and the tester had failed me...i mean, hey, he actually praised me quite a bit; i was criticised a lot for my lack of safety and judgement during my first test, so it's a huge improvement there.

However, while taking the bus on the way home, i began to get this sinking feeling in my heart...a kinda depressed feeling. I felt like a loser going home, like a young tribesman going back to his village without having caught anything during his hunt.

If i had a bit less maturity and a bit more pride, i would've stayed away from home like the young tribesman probably would; never returning until he had caught his prey. Of course, realistically, the retest has a waiting time of more than two months at least, and i can't stay away from home for THAT long 0_o. Still, i can't say that the thought didn't come to my mind, if only for a moment before i dismissed it outright.

Anyway, i'm blogging this to pour out all my "depression" so that i can feel a bit better...blogging in that sense is kinda like dreaming in its function, isn't it? Dreams may not necessarily be about the events you had that day, but they may show you something which causes you to release similar emotions in an attempt to release your anxieties.

After this, i shall busy myself with Final Fantasy XII as i prepare myself for my retest! It's on 12th December, a.k.a. someone's birthday if i remember correctly. No other way around it; the only way i can redeem myself from shame is to aim for a perfect ZERO! Wish me luck!

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My driving test is in 2hours time...

Man...i really hope i pass today.

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Woots part 2

Today, i heard something from dory that sounded like it was supposed to be bad news, but instead made me feel relieved...in a bittersweet kind of way.

Well, so nothing REALLY would've happened anyway.

...Nothing good, at the very least.

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Woots

Man, after all this, i'm still a little boy after all.

I should've listened to my mother yesterday.

Not that anything would've happened, anyway.

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Ze Party..

Well...the first of the house-warming...no wait it's more like "open house" parties have ended, and it was...ok lah i suppose. The sad part's probably that a LOT of people couldn't make it...like i had a 40% attendance from the invitations that i sent out, which was already pretty good, but then one of those who said they were coming informed me the day before that she couldn't make it to the party, and another TEN people followed suit on THE DAY ITSELF!!

And those people are...

...Nah i won't name names...but you know who you are!! >.<

A few of them didn't even send me an sms or something to notify me...they just didn't show up! It's not really the lack of people that really hurt though..it was the fact that i expected 25 visitors and catered for 30 (to include family members, etc) but instead, only 14 showed up and the *cough cough* two *cough* hundred *cough* plus dollars that i *cough cough* spent was wasted just like that! And with the recent loss of my iPod, boy is money getting tighter.. :(

Then again, the party was still quite a success! Haha that's because the guests had fun (well, seemed to) and everyone seemed thoroughly impressed with my new home (good clean-up job, everyone!). Thanks to all who came down...i really appreciate all of you taking the time off to grace my new home! I hope my assumption is right; that you people had fun!

But still, for those who missed out: If you didn't go because you had other commitments, or because you had major examinations, etc, coming up, then it's alright; i won't hold it against you. Even if you gave a last minute notice, well...i suppose my notice 1 week prior to the event was pretty last minute as well.

BUT if you didn't go because you simply didn't want to hang out with ol' Greg here...then AT LEAST come down and eat a free dinner the next time i invite you - my treat! Don't feel bad about it...you can just leave right after that! At least i'd feel much better then. Gosh...all that wasted food......

Talking about wastage, i received quite a few gifts of red wine from the visitors (and a bottle of champagne from Goat) and one of the bottles was from Jaclyn and Chinhow which cost like EIGHTY DOLLARS - pretty expensive...and, because almost all of us didn't know how much it cost, we opened the bottle and drank it like it was some cheap $15 wine...and a lot of the guests left half-filled wine glasses on the table which were later cleared away......

...Yikes. 0_o There's another party at my place next week. Let's hope there won't be any WASTAGE anymore!!

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Not grown-up, yet.

The previous batch of soldiers just ORDed a few days ago. So now, i'm suddenly the earliest person to leave the army in the whole company! So i can actually shout "ORD oh!" and no one can say otherwise. Which feels quite...odd, actually. Odd, because i didn't actually think it would come so soon. Odd, because i suddenly feel a bit left out and separated from everyone in camp. At least i've finally got an understudy (like why did it take so long?? answer me, manpower branch!!) who can carry on after me, though. So i don't feel TOO bad about leaving everyone in the lurch in the middle of an exercise... :x

Anyway. I've realised that my chinese language skills have dropped a LOT since i entered National Service! Don't get me wrong; i actually speak a LOT of mandarin in the army. It's just that there're some words that you just don't tend to use very often, and with my hopelessly hopeless foundation in chinese, when i don't use these words, i forget them FAST..

So, just yesterday, i was asking this canteen uncle for "chilli" in chinese...



...and ended up asking for "rubbish" instead. 0_o"

WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF. So embarrassing lah!

And i can't believe i'm posting this for the whole world to see!! What am i, an IMBECILE?? :|


Anyway, i'm jumping from topic to topic a little bit, but i just came back from shopping at NTUC, and while i was there, i saw Jane and Andrew! They were shopping for stuff (mainly dried local food, etc) to bring back to London next week, and i had a little chat with them.

And i felt REALLY odd throughout the conversation; like a little boy talking to an adult couple, and the fact that Jane and i used to have some...history together, made it even more saddening. Here i saw a matured pair, shopping together for things to bring back on their flight back to London, where they were schooling at top universities as scholars and tackling life on their own. Meanwhile, i was just some boy, shopping with his mother, still tackling life with the help of parents, and waiting for his ORD like a little school kid waits for his december holidays.

I felt, keenly, that i was falling behind in the rat-race of maturity and self-reliance, and it felt horrible.

I've always said that issues with religion was the reason why the relationship between Jane and i couldn't work out...which is quite true, in a way. As a free-thinker who wishes to REMAIN a free-thinker, Christian girls and their need to have a Christian guy have been a constant plague in the romantic side of my social life.

Yet, i suppose it was also partly due to the fact that i wasn't mature enough yet at the time (and maybe even now, as well). I didn't know how to ask her out and wasn't responsible enough with my own belongings and my studies...i was a bit of a "closet-introvert" and couldn't be the pleasant, extroverted and independant street-smart guy that all girls seemed to love. Till today, i still believe with all my heart that Jane was lucky to have chosen Andrew in JC2 after the two of us had grown further apart for a couple of months.

Because, till today, i still think i would make a VERY poor boyfriend.

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Should there be a party or not..? -And the new iPods!

Haha really...i don't know. Should i hold a housewarming part next saturday (15 september) or not? It's just that i've been feeling very erm...introverted lately? (is that even the right way to use the word??) It's more like...i've been very unwilling to go out, and i've been getting a bit too comfortable staying at home and not meeting anyone.

It's definitely not because of my PS2, because i've somehow started to play it less and less! So what have i been doing? Well...surfing the net, watching anime, and reading, of course! In addition to a few hours on the PS2 as well lol. (Just for your information, i've started on my clearance! It just means that i'll be having long weekends for the next 2 months..) Anyway, i promised everyone that i'd hold the housewarming party...but i'm afraid to invite people over and end up not giving a fun enough time or accomodating the right number of people...well, in short (or not), i'm afraid that i'd invite too many people and, because of my introvertedness and lack of planning time, screw the whole party up. Man...quite different from my VJC days huh.

Ohwell..apart from that..have you people seen the new iPods that have just been released? From what i heard from my friend, you can go down now and pre-order the iPods with a 1-3 week waiting time..or you can simply go online and order it from the US site straightaway with free delivery! (So online is probably FASTER..go figure.) iPod Touch seems really nice but the lack of storage space - 16GB max - is really a bummer (i think i need at least 40-50GB for songs, personally). iPod classic's the same as usual...their 80GB model's thinner now though (the size of the former 30GB model) and replacing the old 80GB model is a 160GB one!

And the prices have really dropped a bit! Now you can get a 80GB model for around S$430 and 160GB for around S$600.

Actually, that part really bugs me. I don't think it costs that much more to increase the harddisk space from 80GB to 160GB! Or you can also say that it shouldn't cost that much LESS to downgrade from a 160GB model to 80GB. Personally, i think Apple's pricing scheme's a little screwed up...they kinda make it seem as if an 80GB increase in space is SOOO big and SOOO worth the money. There's only about a S$15 difference in commercial 80GB and 160GB harddisks that you buy outside. The difference should be nearly the same even with Apple's "special iPod harddisks", not to mention that the 160GB model is thicker (a BAD thing!) which should reduce the price gap even more. So what gives?

Too bad you can't alter your iPods and increase its harddisk space (not that i know of, at least). So they can just set the price that they want. And i'd still have to buy it anyway, because i've been sucked into the iPod lifestyle. What a bummer. :(

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A little bit of "semi-depression"...

Sigh, this's probably one (or rather, two) of my top five most miserable weeks this year. It's nothing compared to last year, but still, i've been feeling hopelessly off lately.

It could be because i spent the whole day putting my hands through mud and drain water retrieving cables, and later still getting scolded by a superior - because i just didn't have the focus to do my job as deputy duty sergeant and heard a wrong number over the telephone.

But actually, i think it started much earlier. Sleep patterns getting messed up during guard duty, getting 12 mosquito bites in one afternoon two days ago, the re-emergence of my flu last week, getting confined over the weekend because of Army Open House, the likelihood of three days of my off getting eaten up and my MC script deadline getting much closer while i'm still at a loss at what i'm actually supposed to be doing...bad things like to just crop up while you're lazing away and strike together when things start to get busy, don't they?

And then there's the loss of my iPod last week. Prabably the biggest bummer of them all, and the one that started the Ball of Depression rolling (or was it the flu..?).

I still don't know how it disappeared; it was all a blur when i got back to camp from the Open House location last week (that's almost always the case when things get lost, isn't it? You only lose things when you're not focused).

The feeling's quite the same as when i lost my wallet back in JC...somehow, you just get this dull feeling in your head, you can't seem to get a hold on what's going on around you, you get this immediate sense of thirstiness, and you just can't eat properly for a few days.

I know that i definitely will get another iPod eventually. Having used an iPod for nearly three years, it's become quite an indispensable habit, a lifestyle choice that you just can't throw away; kinda like brushing your teeth before going to sleep or (in my case) washing my hair everytime i take a shower.

But then, i just can't stomache the thought of spending over $350 for at least another 60GB model...when i have to spend so much just to REPLACE something that i carelessly lost, it just feels like i'm throwing money away. It's the same as when i lost my wallet, or got my handphone stolen long ago...somehow, i just get the feeling that my parents would feel so disappointed at how irresponsible i am, that i find myself unable to make the purchase immediately; somehow, i find myself trying to live without an iPod for the rest of my life until that feeling finally fades away and i forget about my decision a couple of months later.

Well, i've tried to be cheerful the past few days, but i suppose cracking lame jokes and being overly talkative in a bid to get myself back to normal IS rather counterproductive; seeing how fried my brain feels, it's probably harming my reputation among my fellow soldiers as well.

Which is why i'm trying to blog about this little bit "semi-depression" now, and get some of it off my chest. I think it's actually made me feel a little better.

Which is a very good thing. I don't want to have a sleepless night tonight.

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