Haiz, second post of the day/night.
I had thought that, because i had already talked about my problems a little and had voiced my selfish concerns directly to the relevant parties the other day, these issues of mine would disappear. But apparently, they have not. Apparently, i cannot escape the shadow of perfectionism and the shadow of the one who had gone ahead of me. Not yet. It would take time. It might never get better. Things might change if the situation changes. Things WOULD change if I changed.
Still, i've realised that this blog has not really been the right vehicle for me to voice my thoughts and concerns; it is read by a lot of people - people whom i do not wish to share any details with, for a multitude of perfectly justifiable reasons - and as a result, i have to force myself to be a cryptic, to write in codes and puzzles. Which makes things even worse, because people would then be induced into wanting to figure out the codes and solve the puzzles.
I've realised that my purpose in blogging about my concerns was simply to cry out for help, and when the only person from whom i had wanted help asked me about it, i just could not say anything. I was afraid of appearing selfish, and afraid of hurting people more than i should. I WAS being selfish, and i WAS hurting people more than i should. This was self-centred-ness at its worst.
In any case, now that i've already voiced my concerns to the relevant parties, this blog has ceased to be of further use regarding this matter. Accordingly (holy shit i've been reading too many court judgements), i decided to type out my concerns in full, but i will not load the words onto this blog; instead i will keep it hidden, in my computer and in my heart.
It has been surprisingly therapeutic, because i've been able to be far more honest and detailed in voicing my concerns than i ever have been, either with the relevant parties or on this blog. In time, i hope that doing so would help clear the matter up...for it is not the circumstances that must change; there is nothing much that can be done about that. It is i that must change.
Anyway, in short, i will leave out such posts from my blog from now onwards. It's nearly 6am in the morning now...i'd better go to sleep...
