Well, i read it again today. It never fails to put me in a sad mood. I'm not dissatisfied with how things are going - they really can't get any better, and she really can't do any better - but on days like these, i'd start comparing myself again, and somehow, i always seem to lose.
Sigh. I wish we had more common interests. I wish she'd share more of her pain with me, instead of keeping it in a box and hiding it in some dark corner. I wish i had gotten to know her earlier. I wish i had been the first one. I wish we had experienced that "spark of electricity". I wish we shared something that was as special. That was more special.
I wish
i was more special. I wish i were as cool. I wish i were as street-smart. I wish i were as exciting. I wish i had a better body. I wish i was fairer-skinned. I wish i was less goofy. And less klutzy. I wish i was a dancer. Or a swimmer. I wish i was more dependable. I wish i was more talented. I wish i did better at my studies.
I'm wishing for a lot of things. Some of which can never happen and will never happen, because i've already missed the train. And yet the other things can be accomplished, but i can never seem to get off my ass to fight and get it done. I don't think i'm in the mood to put in the effort.
I know, it's like i'm in the centre of my own universe. I'm already a very fortunate man. I like to say that she has arse-luck, but the truth is that
i'm the one who is lucky. But i'm still so insecure, and the cure for that is to HOPE to be the best possible. My ambitions know no bounds. But my efforts do. Is it so wrong to be so selfish?
Gosh. I feel crappy right now. Life sucks to a pretty large extent at the moment, in any case. I'm under quite a lot of pressure for my studies, but rather than stubbornly fighting back, it seems like i'm crumbling instead. Attending lectures but not really absorbing much. Making notes that are disorganised and not worth reading. Barely being able to complete the barest minimum of readings on-time.
It's not really falling behind that hurts; i think it's seeing people - who used to know nothing about the law compared to me - overtaking me and leaving me behind, kneeling in their dusty tracks. Half my hopes have been wiped out over the past few months; it just seems like i'm going about this the wrong way.
And it's not as if i'm playing a lot to make up for it...i just take too long to get things done. I work too slowly, i get distracted too easily, and i zone-out in the middle of lectures, in the middle of doing homework, and in the middle of reading notes. But i suppose that that kinda describes the kind of guy that i've always been when it comes to schoolwork.
Aside from study woes, i'm also getting shopping woes. Don't ask...let's just say that i'll start to fear the festive season as it draws closer. Making lists don't seem to help. Not when all of the entries possess no form of merit whatsoever.
Well, anyway, i'm starting to feel a little better now. A weight off my shoulders, i suppose. It's time to get to work on my torts tutorial. I had wanted to spend the weekend on contract, but with the SLS assignment/test on sunday and a LAWR presentation on monday, it really seems like i can't do much. So much for even a bit of play.
Crap, i'm starting to complain again, when i had just said that i was going to do torts. Ohwell. Time to get started on it.
