Things went pretty well today (or yesterday, rather, since it's already 4.15am). And for that, i am relieved. And thankful, to a certain someone who's really made my day.
Anyway, i was pondering about yesterday's angsty post, about past events, and about my entire life in general...and it really got me thinking about what it truly means to be a good person.
And well...all i could conclude is that i've got a really long way to go before i'm truly a good man. "The BEST deeds in life are the ones you LEAST want to do!" is a self-crafted quote that i've been using to judge my actions.
So well, treating people to meals is a good deed, but not a great one, since i sorta have the money. Delivering milk may not necessarily be the best deed i can do, because i have a car. And heck, i WANTED to do it hahaha! XD Spending time delivering milk or fetching people around may be a good deed, but perhaps i'm just not valuing my time enough. Talk of wanting to be a good man is not good enough unless it's backed up with action.
And even then, no "good" deed can be considered good if it wasn't done with the proper intentions. People who know me personally would think that i'm really nice, understanding, generous, and considerate, but well...sometimes i wonder if that's what i'm truly like, deep down.
I'd say that, yes, my strength could be that i put myself in the shoes of others a lot. But while some people may think that i'm a nice and polite guy, i view it more as me being non-confrontational. I'm quite a soft fellow; prone to getting pushed around by others quite a bit. And i'm peace-loving because i'm afraid of getting other people mad.
And that's because i've been brought up to view good relations as a type of asset, just like the car i drive or the cash in my bank account. I've been taught to say or do certain things and to abstain from saying or doing certain things, all just to build up a solid reputation and maintain a squeaky clean image.
When someone gets mad at me and our relationship breaks down, i can feel like crap for days, because it's like i've lost some of my personal property. I may be doing favours for others, being polite and considerate, but deep down, it's probably all for my own benefit. To form the links of friendship that will aid in MY future.
And at the same time, i've got a bit of a selfish streak, deep down. I can get rather possessive and i am ambitious in a bad sense; i want to be successful, rich, popular, and in the centre of attention. Yet i'm also too lazy half the time to achieve these aims, so i take shortcuts and i'm prone to exaggeration.
So that's probably the biggest problem that i have with myself. I've been brought up to be a good man on the outside. Now, i want to be a good man on the inside, as well. I want to be able to do good deeds, without ever thinking about how that will improve my relations with others, or about how a person will like me more after i've done a favour for him or her. I want to be able to do good deeds without ever thinking about any
reward of any kind.
And i've sort of started on this "project" of mine. I've managed to curb my desire to be in the spotlight in the most creative of ways. Like not wanting to run for certain positions if i think i've no actual desire for the responsibility and just want the prestige and attention. Stupid? I don't know.
I've also done quite a few deeds that are completely unequitable towards me based on the credit i get as a result. I try to do good deeds without letting anyone know that i've done them (although posting about all this on my blog - and gaining some measure of credit as a result - probably wipes out all the "goodness points" that i've gained in the process).
Even then, i'm starting to wonder...what is the purpose of all of this? Why am i trying to be good on the inside as well? There're so many people out there who're selfish and who only do things to benefit themselves. Heck, most of the remaining people who actually do "good deeds" do so, either to ease some form of guilt in their hearts, or to get into heaven or whatever.
Ordinary men are inherently selfish. And i'm just an ordinary man...why try to be any different? Why take myself, my life, so seriously? Am i feeling insecure? Am i low on self-esteem? Again, is it just a question of raw ambition? Am i trying to be the nicest or the most benevolent person on earth? Am i trying to be like Jesus or Buddha? Or more appropriately, am i trying to be BETTER than Jesus or Buddha?
Is the act of trying to be good on the inside evil in itself? What irony! Would i be better off if i stopped thinking about such things entirely and stopped being so calculative?
Deep down, do i just want to be more true to myself?
I suppose...i suppose this is where having kids comes into the picture. Erps. :|
