I shouldn't have opened my eyes so widely. I still wonder why i did that...or why i do things like that in general. A streak of exhibitionism perhaps? Attention Deficit Disorder? Urgh...i'm feeling disgusted with myself. I take myself seriously. So i do my best to root stuff like this out, but it still resurfaces every now and then. This time it was probably just an extremely minor case of exhibitionism or ADD, but the resulting damage was pretty huge.
For that matter, i should have fought harder for possession instead of hesitating for that one moment. Letting things get out of hand for that one moment before i reclaimed possession...things had spiraled a little out of control by then. What was i doing...enjoying the spotlight in that one moment? Reveling in it? Feeling a bit of frat boy pride? I still don't know what went through my head, back then.
All i know is that after the incident was over, i regretted what happened. A lot. People have apologised, others have promised not to talk about it...they call this sort of thing damage limitation. I just hope that they keep their promises.
See, even then, all i'm doing is caring about what other people think. I did a great job earlier of rescuing my reputation amongst my friends...enhancing it, even. Great job, Greg. This was also probably the hardest paragraph to type because deep down, it's probably all true.
I'm no good guy...i'm just pretending to be one in front of other people. This post also serves that purpose because people read it and get influenced by it...either that or they'll chat me up and tell me that i'm just being too hard on myself...they call this sort of thing propaganda. Deep down, i just hope that it works.
Anyway mambo was pretty fun, all in all. I couldn't really dance like i normally do the whole night because i didn't drink and didn't feel a need to drink. Some of the guys called me domesticated. I shall take it as a compliment. Try to, at least hahaha...Also, i couldn't focus on dancing at all because i kept looking at the mambo kings and queens...kept looking at their moves and trying to learn it. It was all rather interesting. Like learning a new language.
Okay, anyway it's already past 6.00am. Got something on at 1pm later so i need to get some shut-eye.
Edit: I've really got to thank her for being so understanding. I was afraid for a while that she wouldn't believe me...like she'd think that i deliberately showed it to my friends in a moment of real frat boy pride and was now trying to cover things up with an elaborately woven story (i swear on my life that that isn't the case). But well, even though it'd be understandable for her not to believe me, she DID believe me. That's a relief. Maybe i shouldn't have doubted her. So, yeah, thank you. Very much.
She's now feeling very embarrassed though...guess i owe her lunch. In any case, i better go to sleep because it's now 6.35am. Whoopie.
