Second post of the day..this's pretty rare, but anyway i was talking to a friend about how although my girl-chasing style (which's er..practically non-existant) and this OTHER guy's relentless one is totally opposite, we both have huge egos. Except that while his was..regenerative, mine was a fragile one. It got me thinking...
I'd liken my ego to a porcelain vase..one that's been broken and patched up countless times. It's sad, then, that i still seem to be reliant on such a weak thing, that without it, the water of conversation would be unable to travel..although perhaps this is true for everyone else.
I suppose "confidence" would translate to how much water you are comfortable to have in that ego-vase...everyone needs one, but a truly confident person would be able to carry a lot of water in an average sized vase, while an insecure person would be too afraid that the water might spill, and would build up a huge ego just to transport that little bit of water...
Although i don't have much confidence to begin with, i believe confidence is something that slowly builds..until the ego-vase shatters. In a way, a smaller ego is sometimes better, because although a big vase might hold more water, it also has more cracks and attracts more attention from those who aren't satisfied with the space given to their own vase. There's limited space for all the vases of everyone in society, and in a closed group, if one was bigger than the rest, it would eventually be shattered, over and over, until it was small enough to accomodate the rest...and the shattering of your vase is a very painful experience, emotionally.
I've experienced the shattering before, of course. I had thought my vase to be strong enough, and built the vase up, but when i was a teenager it was shattered, repeatedly...it made me pick up the broken pieces and discard those which weren't necessary...i built another vase, a smaller one...sealed the cracks up and hoped that it was enough to allow my confidence to build up again.
Today, this "vase" of mine seems whole and strong, but deep down there're many cracks and weak spots in that porcelain, some which i've patched up, and some which i've yet to notice..Perhaps that is why, as that friend said, i can't even tell the girl i liked that i liked her...i think i'm too afraid that she might not return those feelings, that the porcelain vase might break again...
I think that's also why i constantly think about my flaws, about the ways that my character is lacking. It's a way to test the porcelain, to find out how strong it is, how well the super-glue holds the former cracks together...and once i have reconciled myself with those flaws, understood them and accepted them, i am able to place more super glue and more clay over that part of the vase, such that if someone were to try striking at that part of the vase, the vase would hold.
In a way, i've always been fine when someone strikes at a weak point and reveals a crack...it allows me to know which part of the vase needs strengthening. But i'd be worried if that strike was forceful enough to shatter the whole vase...the vase must not be destroyed, and although everyone has their cracks and weak spots, my vase is weaker than most.
I suppose that's also the best way to help someone else gain confidence...to reveal his cracks and help him strengthen his vase, while avoiding hitting his vase too hard that it shatters. Sounds a lot like the phrase many business people follow and recommend: "Praise in public, criticise in private". Because if the crack is revealed in public, many people that you're not in control of might strike at it and cause the employer's vase to shatter. It's much better to do the cracking in private and letting the employer's peers patch it up in public.
It's kinda like what i'm doing now - i'm studying a particular crack in my vase, my fragile ego, and trying to understand it in order to be able seal that crack and strengthen that area of vase.
Why i'm writing this all down is another thing though. Perhaps i'm trying to get people to say otherwise, to help me patch that crack up, or perhaps it is to warn people off that part of the vase, to tell them that i've covered the crack and that the vase won't break no matter how they strike at it.
But, if you really wanted to, you could take a small hammer and aim it somewhere else near the crack, somewhere that i have yet to pay attention to...
...And if you struck hard enough, my vase might shatter, all over again.
