I'm secretly a little depressed. Not being really close to either group despite all that time, money, and effort - all spent in good faith without any credit-grabbing; myself and especially those extra-hard workers doing all that shit and not getting recognised at all and not enjoying the fun or pats on the back or feeling any post-event euphoria afterwards; having to pretend that all is good because it's either me handling this on my own or it's people patronising me and making me feel like a kid, which i largely detest.
Meanwhile, a particular person keeps reminding me of all of the above without realising it, there's still lots of event-related work to do for myself and for one of those extra-hard workers, and the school term gets ever closer...it just feels like i've been wasting lots of time, and i'm now staring into the distance at all those missed opportunities, wondering what would happen if things had been a little different. I feel kinda like a father who spends lots of time and money completely in the background, but the kids are all much closer to the mother who spends time with the kids, nurturing them. So i suppose i'll have to get used to this kind of feeling, if i ever want to be a good future dad. I'm starting to understand why my mum has been reminding us repeatedly how hard my dad works, and why my dad occasionally complains about his work in a way that makes it sound like he's working very hard (and maybe he is); otherwise, it would seem as if his sacrifice for us never existed.
My matric-week band performance was the highlight of my holidays, though. My singing was just so-so on that day, but the reviews were very encouraging. It's weird how having jamming sessions once a week for a few months can improve my morale and my spirit so much. Really have to thank those guys who gave me the chance to prove myself.
Although...well...if i'm a little cynical, i'd say that i'm not in the position to derive any tangible benefit from that performance, anyway.
Bleah.
