Have you ever had sleepless nights before? You know, the type where you've got so many thoughts in your head that you're unable to just wipe out and knock off?
I admit that i'm quite a victim of insomnia...which's probably why i'm such a nocturnal creature (and why i've got the eyebags 0.0)...whenever i can, i usually just stay awake until i'm too stoned to do anything but sleep (which's normally in the 5-8am range). Because, hey,
it saves time. Of course, i suffer later on when school or army comes around, when my waking time isn't my own...from what i can tell, having an early morning appointment or deadline only makes sleeping the night before all the more difficult.
It's something to do with my thoughts, you see. I kinda consider myself a person who thinks a lot, and to many of my friends, i'm a guy with lots of wacky ideas and who sometimes thinks too
much (in fact, i think half my wacky ideas come when i'm having insomnia). And at night, in my bed, when there's no one around, no music is playing and it's total darkness, the thoughts just keep coming. I try to clear my head, breathe deeply and focus on nothing, but before i can get into any rhythm, a thought would float back and trigger my consciousness, and before i know it, i'd be having another conversation with myself about
something.
Take today for example. Last night, i went to sleep at around 2am, with the knowledge that with a rock-climbing appointment at 9.45am at Tanjong Pagar, i just had to wake up at 9 in the morning. Which left me with 7hrs of sleep, which isn't really too bad. I had no problems sleeping at 2am, which isn't really the norm, but the problem came when i woke up prematurely at 5 in the morning.
I then began trying to go back to sleep...but of course i couldn't. And it's not because i had slept enough, because my eyes are so freakin tired right now and i remember yawning a LOT even then. And it wasn't "jet lag" too..i slept at 4am the day before, which wasn't much different from 2am.
Sometimes i think that there's a God of Sleep out there who just isn't happy with what i did in my past life...I'd toss and turn and change sleeping positions, and just when i found some measure of inner-peace, an itchor ache would start on my neck or back which would require me to move again and snap out of sleep mode.
And the thoughts played a massive part again, of course. This morning, i lay in bed talking to myself (in my head of course) about girls, religion, computer games, anime like kiba, naruto and bleach, school, A levels, my JC class, orientation 2004, orientation
2005, r-o-d-e-o cheers, computer games, law, medicine, christmas celebrations....i thought about my secondary school friends that i'd almost forgotten, about my life in America that i thought i HAD forgotten...
And then after 3hours of that, i finally decided that, hey, i just wasn't going to sleep anymore no matter how hard i try. So i got up, and did the first thing that was on my mind; get a drink of water, and turn on the computer to type out all this on notepad to post on my blog later when the internet became stable again. You know, before i
forget the whole disaster.
This isn't the only time that's happened to me, of course. I can still remember a few instances in secondary school and JC, not to mention army. The night before field camp was especially hard...
The worst, however, was probably the night before my first A level paper, GP. I had essay writing in the morning at 7.45am or sometime around then and had to wake up at 6.30, and so i cleverly planned my time such that i was in bed by 9pm the night before.
Except that i stayed awake in my bed until about 4 in the morning. I even took sleeping pills from my mum...somehow it just didn't help as well. I can still recall hitting my head and swearing at myself in my frustration to try to get my brain to just
shut up.
At around 3am, i had to get up to get a change of clothes because i had panicked so much as i saw my sleeping time dwindle down to a mere few hours, and was literally in cold sweat. And on the verge of tears, too. The next day was just a total blur..i'm quite grateful that i somehow got through the day without too much trouble.
Anyway, i've gotta solve this problem fast...sleeping-trouble isn't a good thing to keep around with me. I should find some way to shut thoughts from my mind and stop it from wandering for at least one minute without the help of music (somehow i think i really lack thought-discipline {or ANY discipline for that matter}..like instead of itchy hands i've got an itchy mind..)...or at least buy some super-strong sleeping pills which actually work.
If it's really because of an "itchy mind"..perhaps i should try NOT trying so hard to sleep in the first place..i get the feeling that the more i force myself to keep a blank mind, the MORE un-blank my mind
gets.Well, it's now 8.45am..about the time that i should eat breakfast and get ready for rock-climbing...i really hope i don't fall off the wall or whatever. Oh and i'm pretty stoned at the moment, so please forgive me for any grammatical errors and typos.
