Hmmm. I've been having an sms chat with Dory over the past few days, and although the conversation certainly helps to bring my issues to light, it also forces me to confront them instead of living in blissful - if slightly dissatisfied - ignorance.
And yeah, if i think hard enough, i really do have fears that i'm just a spare tyre. Because of how close they were, and because, as she had told me before, if her ex hadn't dumped her, she would definitely still be happy together with him...and i think i most likely wouldn't have stood a chance. And in any case, i had first gotten her attention because i smiled just like him. And wore that t-shirt that reminded her of him.
It somehow doesn't matter if i'm generally far better than him as a person or not, because i've always been an idealist romantic, and i've always believed in this thing called "chemistry"...for this belief, i blame TV shows - especially Taiwanese and Korean dramas - where the generally good, eligible guy tends to lose the girl and the bad boy with the most chemistry (and who keeps getting into special situations with the girl) gets the girl.
I think i've got to stop watching such TV shows at dinner...they're rubbing me the wrong way. I know that these TV shows' scenarios aren't realistic and don't often happen in real life; in real life, the good, boring boys win and have relatively happy families. Still, i can't help but get this impression that such scenarios are the ideal for a
perfect relationship, and you people know that i'm a horrible OCD-stricken idealist perfectionist.
Ahwell. But there really isn't anything that can be done about this kind of insecurity, except to face it and get used to it. She's already done her best to dispel such thoughts. I'm just letting my paranoia and all this "pop culture" get to me. It's horrible; when she reassures me, i can't bring myself to fully believe it, and yet i keep secretly and impliedly asking for more...if i keep this up, there would be no end to my needs, but someday those reassurances will run out. I've got to learn to handle these issues on my own before that happens...for both our sakes.
Then again, i think that it's a rather normal problem to have. If you're getting into a new relationship at this time of your life, there're bound to be a lot of exes. Not many people nowadays are as goody and introverted and shy and inexperienced with relationships as...well...me. Erps. :| Sigh...i wish i had been more mentally prepared though. I wish there was some way to make myself take things easy.
Most of all, i'm sorry dear, for being such a self-centred prick; for complaining so much when you're the one who has suffered the most; for having such illogical fears and issues, and for blogging about this and making you concerned. :\ I'll pick myself up soon, don't worry about it...and if you have any problems of your own, please do tell me about them.
Anyway, i suppose i've said all i can say about this for now. If anyone is reading this, please do me a favour and not mention what i wrote here to me...i'm kinda tired of talking about it and do not wish to think about it any further. Time to go remove this blog link from my facebook profile...i don't want too many people reading stuff like this.
