*Ahh ahh argghh!!*
Ouch.
Sorry about that. It's just that i was in the midst of conducting some odd form of sado-masochism on myself. Currently, i'm pulling a needle filled with dissolved sodium chloride and cocaine (for that extra bit of kick when i go) out from my veins. I was about to do something really stupid in a wild fit of SM but suddenly decided against it. Still, some of the stuff might've gotten in. Because i'm feeling a little high now, yet very...dull and weak-hearted, at the same time.
Okay, i'm not actually killing myself or inflicting pain on myself in the name of pleasure (and i don't associate pain with pleasure) or anything remotely of the sort (and don't come to me for cocaine...i don't have any!!! >.<).
But what i've been doing for the past five hours certainly feels like it.
It's probably because i'm dead bored. Coco's overseas, she doesn't have access to the internet, she doesn't have roaming enabled and any call she makes would be expensive as hell anyway. She was right in a sense...there's this hole in my social life (and my life in general) now that she's gone (temporarily).
I've been spending my time playing lame games and betting on races on Pet Society simply because i want to get the last gold medal. I've won 80 times but lost 550 coins in the process. Meaning I've won 80 times and lost 190 times...i guess this is definitely a case of BAD LUCK, given that i have a 1/3 chance of winning each race. Bleah. I've got nothing much in the near future that i'm really looking forward to, and i can't even give her a call or anything like that.
Anyway, to put my "sado-masochism" simply (or perhaps rather cryptically), my perfectionism means that, if i'm supposedly SUPPOSED to know everything, than i WILL try to find out everything, or wallow in my ignorance for the rest of my life.
So i did some heavy snooping that's probably going to piss some people off and kill a wee bit of trust. (Aahhhh i'm sorry; i just couldn't resist it!!!) And, well, i've finally read the remainder. I've read EVERYTHING.
...Well, nearly everything. I didn't/couldn't read the other one. Reading it might've been too much anyway. There IS an extent to knowing everything.
It hurt. It really did. Maybe it's because i'm just feeling a little...inferior, what with my totally geek, ultra-clean background and suahku, eccentric self. Or maybe it's because i'm feeling self-centred and there aren't as many posts about me. Perhaps it's just that same old private rant of mine getting recycled over and over.
Or maybe it's because my perfectionist, OCD-inflicted self wanted to know everything, but this has made me realise how little i really know. I barely recognise the person behind the words. Which irks me to no end. I'm not sure if i could have connected with the person behind the words. Which irks me to no end.
But you know what? I'm still alive. And i'm stronger for it; my pain-barrier has been brought to a higher level. I'm feeling like shit...but at least i know - for sure this time - that i can recover from it.
And even as the pain fades, i'm beginning to realise how badly i want to make this all work out, and how important it is that, perfectionist fantasies aside, i still remain sufficiently stable and steadfast. Perhaps "sado-masochism" can be a good thing, after all. :|
So, to my perfectionist, OCD-inflicted self, are you finally satisfied??? Or do you still want to explore the newly opened well of mysteries???
...I don't hear an answer.
My perfectionist self is rather subdued at the moment. Well, that's fine by me. You've already caused everyone enough trouble as it is. You've made me into the man i am now. But if i could eliminate you for good, i certainly would.
Anyway it's late. It's 4:30am in fact, and i've gotta wake up at 10am for mahjong. Don't think i'll shower tonight...if i do that, i'll only sleep at 5am.
