It's been one of those days again...kinda like what i've had in the past...where you watch the television alone, read a few newspapers, and play a few rounds of single player computer games that are extremely uninteresting and monotonous, and yet you do it nevertheless because you are bored, lazy, no one asks you out and nothing else comes up.
And when you finally look at the clock again, you realise that it's already nearly midnight, and that you've totally wasted a whole day of your life doing things which don't even seem to have an imprint on your memory.
And then you put your face in your hands, and scream, silently.
What have i just done? What have i been doing? How did the day end like this??It's nearly the same kind of feeling that i had when i was a child...when i somehow managed to deprive myself of sleep because i was simply too lazy to even get up from my bed to brush my teeth...and yet i couldn't sleep until i had my teeth brushed.
It didn't just happen with brushing teeth...i've had the same experience with showering, with
homework...when you realise that you've just been procrastinating your day away, you start to get so
angry at your laziness, at how sad and
hopeless you've become, and at how
afraid and
hesitant you are to take the only step forward that life has made available to you.
Except that this time, i don't know what, and where, that step is anymore. I'm procrastinating...but i don't know what it is that i'm avoiding. On days like this, life presents me with so many possible steps to take that in the end, there aren't any steps visible anymore.
And then i get so tired, and lazy, and
scared, that i end up stepping back instead. Why bother starting a new activity, taking a new step forward, when i can play safe and take a
sure step backwards?
Do i think that way...perhaps because of my damned persistant short-term thinking? Will i ever be able to see the pot of gold beyond the rainbow? Will i ever notice the steps behind me starting to crumble and disappear?
How am i going to survive when i'm finally out on my own, after university, and faced with a vast concrete "field" of steps leading to infinity, with no one to guide me to the end? Setting aside post-university life, my ORD is coming in four months' time, with around nine months after that filled with possibilities that only i, myself, have the power to make true. Shouldn't i then be scared of ORD-ing, instead of looking forward to it?
In a way, you become an
adult when you hit 21. But i think that you only truly
grow up when you're finally able to pick the right steps and
take them, even if it's picking one from a few million. Without any guiding...any
spoon-feeding.
A lot of people i know haven't grown up yet, based on that definition. They may be older and have stable incomes, but, without realising it, they're still dependant on another person to take charge of things that they should be responsible for themselves, to help them place their feet and keep them from taking a knowing step backward, whether it is their spouses, parents, bosses, assistants or teachers.
So the question is:
When will i grow up? When will i
start things on my own?
Anyway, i should try washing my face for now. Maybe it'll help me wake up a bit.
