Haha was lazing around just now when my cousin told me he finally managed to get lancraft so "can i play with him tonight" haha i suppose i can entertain him. But what gave me the inspiration was when he asked me how to train for dota. The best way is the play online of course. Most people would recommend hosting a game for "noobs only". My cousin currently learns his trade by playing against the computer..= and i was like er...yeah but the learning curve for that is quite...slow...
So i've decided to create a short guide for n00bs to learn how to play dota allstars in the "big-boys league"...without getting into too much trouble! Haha hope you enjoy this! (Note: This guide is solely for JOKING purposes...even though it WOULD help if you're a newbie 'cos it IS pretty relevant)
The n00b's Guide to Playing DotA!!1. Pick a ranged hero. This is for "hum-ji-ing" purposes
2. Try to time your attacks so that you get the last hit on a creep. If you suck at it, at least try pretending to do it.
3. Don't give yourself names lyk "n00b" or "newbie", because if you really turn out to be one, people will hate you.
4. Similarly, don't believe people who call themselves "n00b". Half the time these are just uber-pros trying to be sadistic.
5.Try not to get killed more than 10 times before reaching level 6.
6.There are people lurking around online servers (zion-net for example) with nicknames like "ihatenoobsleavers". Seriously. Avoid playing with these people unless you like getting profanities hurled at you throughout the whole match.
7. If you really suck, try avoiding 1v1 confrontations with enemy heroes.
8. Then, when it's 5v5 time in a single lane, stay at the back and fire in random spells. This has the effect of making you seem more useful to the team than you actually are.
9. If you don't know what skills to build or items to buy, then..well...this one's hard..Try asking your friends for help or read the forums. Don't ask too many questions though because this can irritate people.
10. Listen to your team-mates and do what they tell you. So if you guys are getting owned, you can say it wasn't your fault.
11. If you're pushing up/down a lane all by yourself and you're across the river AND the opponents' heroes are all missing, this is a sign that something VERY bad's about to happen.
12. If you get owned/insulted really bad, can't stand the shame and want to quit the game, don't EVER use the "Quit Mission" functions or whatever in the menu. Instead, turn off your computer's power supply or pull out your internet connection. Being labelled a "lagger" is still significantly better than being labelled a "leaver".
13. If you DO have to leave a game for excuses like "this game imbalanced lah", you MUST change your nickname. If not, you'll eventually reach a stage where you enter any game and you get this:
"hey i know this guy!"
"isnt he the noob??"
"he's a leaver!"
"bloody b*stard.."
"KICK!!"
and you're out. Change your nickname constantly to avoid ever developing a REPUTATION.
14. Finally, if you get pawned in a very silly way, (eg. you were killed at full health by non-Roshan neutral creeps, or your hero got slaughtered by a solo-goblin techie who didn't use mines or spells and without you even landing a punch, OR it is simply the 30th time your hero got KO'ed) AND your team-mates ask you what the hell you were doing (or you sense that they're pissed with you) don't, i repeat, DON'T say something like "sorry lah. i n00b mah." The standard reply to that is "ccb. then y the **** are u playin in this game?!" This will get you black-listed (although changing your nickname will alleviate the problem) INSTEAD, do the sensible thing and give a "sensible" excuse for that bit of idiocy you showed, like "Oh crap i was looking at another part of the map!" or "Shucks i was JUST about to press the button for my ultimate.." or "DAMN i was talking on the phone!" or "Shit i targetted the wrong hero by accident" or "Waah..the host is so laggy..." or the best one of them all, "Wah lau i was typing something lah." Even the pros use this excuse.
Haha and that's the end of it! Lol ok gotta go change..i'm getting the parts for my new comp now! Anyway, if you're a n00b and you really need help playing, you can always ask for my assistance! If you see me online (my alias is grecko), you can just tell me "Hey greg, i'm a n00b, and i read your blog" and i'll be glad to help you out! Won't be able to save your ass all the time though...half the time i'll be trying to save my own...
